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I miss how it felt being a child. The excitement on Christmas or your birthday. The rush you got from riding a bike or going on your first “scary” ride at Disneyland, having no shame just bursting out in song in the middle of public. I miss having no real responsibilities, when the worst punishment you could get was sitting in the corner for 15 minutes. I miss believing in love the way I used to. I know it sounds like I am just whining about the fact that I need to grow up and I know that the fairy tales that play in my head will never come true but is it that wrong to wish and pray and hope the way we used to? I never really had much of a childhood and the memories of being worry free are very small so I had always planned on giving my own children everything that they could ever hope for. I wanted to fill their heads with every fairy tale, let them be innocent and pure for as long as I could. I always imagined them perfect but now I can only see them as another fantasy that I can’t rely on forever. Being 20 years old finding out that there is no chance of you ever having children is probably the worst news I could ever find out. I almost don’t care or worry about the fact that my own health is threatened right now, it’s knowing that my one chance of finding true love has been shattered by a few medical tests and phone calls. I know this situation isn’t really uncommon but I understand how it can rip someone apart. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted out of life. I for once didn’t care about finding the right man to spend my time with. I decided to focus on working and building an education to take care of the people who were and will always be images in my head. I look at my baby sisters and realize that I can’t ever miss one important part of their lives. They need me but I need them even more. I have so much love to give and I don’t want to waste it on just anyone. As unfair as it is, I will never win with this one. I can’t argue or cry to get what I want this time. Part of me feels like I deserve this but does anyone really? Never let go of the ones you love because there is absolutely nothing more important than them.
Molly Ringwald always had it so easy
Well, at least in John Hughes movies. I spent the night having an 80’s movie marathon alone in my apartment. The reason I love his movies so much is that everyone gets a happy ending just like in fairy tales. Tonight I realized though that I need to stop waiting for my happy ending to happen and to just live the life that has been given to me.
I spent this past week focusing on the people who I really appreciate having in my life. I have felt so betrayed and abandoned by a few who I thought were my friends. I feel judged because I don’t want to go out and party every night and that I’d rather hang out at home and watch a movie. Or because I don’t like to hang out with a group of people I don’t know and honestly don’t care to know. I’m sorry that I’m trying to actually build a life for myself. I work two jobs and go to school full time because I want to get out of this terrible place I’ve been stuck in for the past 20 years.
But enough complaining tonight.
As much as they stress me out, I consider my Starbucks crew family. I would be nothing without my beautiful, caring, loving, brilliant, wonderful mother who works so hard to take care of her family; my brave, considerate father who would lie, cheat, steal, kill, and sacrifice anything for his children; my perfect brother and sisters who save my life every single day by just existing; my new Payless coworkers who have accepted me and are willing to teach me new things; my amazing boss Magnus who trusts me and believes in me more than I think I deserve; my best friends Anna, Emily, and Kristen who love me unconditionally and put up with all of my bullshit; and Oonagh who has become a great friend and helped me find a place to live when I was really worried about where I might end up.
Tonight is the beginning of better things to come and I owe that to all of you.
All I can say is thank you and that I love you to death.
I haven’t felt this comfortable sleeping alone in my bed for a very long time and it’s because it now smells like you. If only you were still there next to me.
The thing I want most right now is to move to New York but now more than ever I realize that I do not have the money for it and will not have it by the time I want to move out there. For the first time in my life I want to make an important decision responsibly and there is one option I have been considering for a while now. I know I really have to work to be able to survive through it and I have to change the habits I have now but there is a very possible chance that I might join the Air Force. I need focus and organization. I want to do something that my family can be proud of. I want to prove to myself that I can do something no one would ever expect me to do. I want to do good and begin to build a life for myself. I know that this idea will just make some of you laugh but I am really thinking about this and anyone who might be willing to talk to me or give me advice on what I should do would be really appreciated.
They share one last heavy breath together before they separate. They just rest for a moment, neither of them speaking as they stare off into different directions. Then he says that he wants a cigarette. They get up, get dressed, and leave the room to go outside. As they smoke, she feels the dynamic change as laughter fills in the conversation. She feels safe and is beginning to let down the wall that so many helped her build up. For once she doesn’t feel used yet feels selfish for still wanting more with him. After a good hour has passed, he says he needs to leave. She understands but can’t deny that having him go still hurts. But she is used to this routine now and sadly knew nothing she could really say at that moment would change his mind. She gives him one more hug not knowing when the next time she will see or even talk to him will be. As soon as he leaves, her mind once again starts to take over her. She feels lonely and worries that she may never truly figure out what she wants, and that she might never find it once she does. Her thoughts begin to pound her head and as she cries, she wishes that all of the voices would stop. She wants peace with herself, she wants to loved, she wants balance. She is tired of not believing in anything or anyone. She is tired of feeling alone. She wants to be desired. She cannot convince herself that she will get what she wants so she goes straight to her alternative, feeling numb. Someone for once, just please come back.
